Month: May 2025

The tears come slow but sure

Now, when I can cry

Nothing left to hold back for

These shoulders can sag for a little while

I’ll get it all together again

eventually, I know

but there’s only so much room

it can be held down forever

And now, here, in the quiet

far removed from the public eye

I can cry

when no one is seeking their own validation

No other drawing comfort from me

I can let the wall down

Let a little bit out

And tomorrow the walls will rise again

Strong and stoic and seamless

But for now, let them fall

I can cry

The words I want to say

have been said so many times and ways

by people far more eloquent and literate

(and people far less also)

That fact keeps coming up in the back of my head

every time I set back down

once again to try and fight the language

and arrange those expressions

to match what I keep thinking and feeling

because I know the words are there

but nothing ever feels quite right

The stars just don’t align

with the tongue in my head

or these fingertips

Words always seem to fail me

when I need them most

they flow free most inopportunly

and leave me stumbling, alone

with nothing to hold onto

but deep thoughts and good intentions

So here I am again

pleading to whatever muse

would grant me pity and mercy enough

to finally win this struggle

and grant me the words

to say what I mean to

at the right time and place

to finally get what I want more than anything

Oh, how hard it is to miss someone

their voice, their face, their mere presence

but knowing that the right move

is not to reach out blindly

but to wait

Patience is a virtue, they say

one I’ve always been lacking

and this strange absence

grows bigger with time and distance

but I’ll continue holding out

as long as I can manage

It’s not as if this emptyness

is some new or overwhelming thing

I’ve known it far too long

It’s only recently taken shape

a form that might be filled

So I wait for the signal

the moment she steps in

and takes her place

Old photos and memories

are such dangerous things

when you’re prone to melancholy

That nostalgia reaches right up

and pulls me down

reminding me of moments past

as if nothing will be that bright again

Instead of looking back fondly

I find myself with empty holes

where those people and places should be

as if not being right here right now

means there’ll never be back

as if something is missing

and that picture is all I have left

It’s not the fault of the images

that perfecrly capture in time

a brief moment of happiness

but rather of my head

and some part of me that wishes

that all good times could last

and in the in-betweens

that part refuses to understand

that nothing is forever

and there’s no such thing

as permanent instant gratification

there are lives out there to lead

and someday soon this bright skies

will likely return

but right here, right now

those faces are somewhere else

and those memories are what I have

not as some twosted, painful reminder

but as a promise that nothing

is ever always as bad as it seems

I hope someday I’ll feel like I’m enough

even if I never get the chance

to take that step that has me hesitating

You’ve seen too much for me to ever dream

of some magical sweeping off your feet

but maybe I could find a way

to shake off this self-doubt

and think of the right words to say

how I think I’m feeling

I’m sure you’d just let me down gently

If I didn’t think that much of you

there’d be nothing to worry about

but I’ve been here before so many times

even my metaphoric scars have scars

So don’t mind me as I struggle in near-silence

I’m just trying to untie these knots I’m in

to reassure myself that it’s not such a fantasy

since all the times before can’t seem to fade

We’re all just walking bundles

of war wounds and anxieties

We show our scars on our sleeves

and never even notice

until the moment comes when we think of

trying to lay ourselves out bare

and can no longer look away

For all I know our jagged lines

might match up oh so perfectly

but I’m still too afraid to take a glance…

Just another mirage

an oasis in this desert

I’ve been crawling through forever

A phantom

that will fade

and leave me empty

The sun beats down

oppressive heat

and there you are

nothing but distraction

fueled by my ailing mind

looking for respite

from drought and danger

Here I am again

reaching for another lifeline

but my hands pass through

Nothing there

Never was, never is,

never will be

Just sand and sun

endless waves of golden grains

that cut and bleed as I drag on

On my way to whatever lies

somewhere beyond the dunes

if ever I make it

I hope whatever waits for me

can somehow live up

to this conjured illusion

that I’ve fallen for

Stuck in my head again

that little voice calling out

trying to remind me

of all my faults and failures

Chipping away slowly

at my insecurities

working to surround me

in dreaded isolation

I know the words aren’t real

but still they ring so clearly

they dance across my worries

and amplify my fears

and leave me here to wonder

if what I see and hear from otbers

is what’s really real

or if that little voice

is the only honest one

and I really am just better off

to let it all fall down

I’m the one with her ring on my finger

carrying on in her memory

To keep her proud of all I am

because I promised her I would

And there you are, retreating

forgetting things so quickly

living in your own small world

the one she fought to pull you from

She wanted nothing more

than to live, just live a life

and we were asked along the way

It was taken from her early

that’s the way it goes sometimes

but it doesn’t mean for us

to let that path she pulled us down

lay empty in her absence

So get up and move

Live, just live, as she would ask

Please don’t let me fall again

I don’t think these knees could handle it

if I were to miss

thanks to arms that aren’t open

It takes too long to find my feet

but the allure is just too strong

to keep from reaching out

to hold the unobtainable

The wall will surely fade away

an illusion of the circumstances

…but it never works that way

I always hit the concrete

collapsed under the weight

of all the insecurities

once held at bay by possibility

But once the truth is understood

The wall comes up, the arms are folded

and once again there’s nothing left

to hold me as I disappear

Stretching out to take ahold

of something that was never there

A victim of the fantasy

I could’ve sworn I’ve seen before

Lord, let this be the time

Let this path be open

and let me find the strength it takes

to follow down the road

that she wanders also…