It’s a blessing and a curse sometimes

to be my mother’s son

Rising from the ashes

with fresh fires lit beneath me

If I decide for sure I’m doing something

Heaven help whatever’s in my way

And if it’s worth doing after all

it’s worth doing right the first time

You can have your grey skies back

I’ll burn the clouds away myself

and come charging through the fog

that’s spent the last however long

trying to hold me down

It’s time to greet the summer days

and live life for what it’s worth

We make a lot of empty promises, don’t we?

Thoughts become plans become obligations

and it all ends up too heavy

We bury ourselves in bullshit

trying to hide from the truth

This little world I’m living in

is so much smaller and sadder now

And I tried to brighten it just that little bit

by clinging onto you so tight

Maybe I just really am too much

Maybe I’ll just drag you down

if I hold on any tighter

and maybe I made the big mistake

by not making intentions clear

Or even maybe by trying to follow so close

the only thing I had found

that could cut through the darkness

Don’t worry, I’ll let go

You’re free to carry on without me

I’ll learn some way to make it

in this sadder, smaller world

You build the one for you that you deserve

I open my eyes

and all the color’s gone

It’s so disorienting

nothing looks the way it’s meant to

Everything is so distorted

I couldn’t tell you what the truth is

What’s real, what’s fantasy,

what’s just a lingering nightmare

I don’t know where the lines are

as long as I wander

these sepia tone streets

I can’t take anything at face value

when I can’t make out the lines

on anyone’s faces

All I can do is hope

that it’s something in my eye

and that it passes with time

I won’t know what damage is done

in my confusion

until I can open my eyes

and see the color again

What’s the point in getting out of bed today?

There’s nothing in this day worth greeting

Storm clouds persist despite the sunshine

drowning me in apathy

a life worth living eludes me still

despite all my best efforts

so why waste the time and energy?

It’s amazing how quick the outlook can change

just a week or so ago it all looked bright

despite the rain

and now here I am

ready to hide from everything

This bed is all that’s left for me

that feels warm and welcoming

so why not crawl inside

and let everything else go?

This too shall pass

as the old saying goes

I’ve been here before

and knowing me will be here again

Someday I’ll remember

to stop tearing down the walls

They’re such a pain to rebuild

each and every time

Clean up the wreckage,

hope I didn’t do too much damage this time

as I came crashing down to Earth

The crater seems much bigger

than it used to be

but that happens every time

Check my frequent flyer miles

to see if I’ve earned anything for my troubles

as I brush myself off

and rise from the rubble

Make a joke, keep on laughing

to fight away the teardrops

If it were somebody else this happened to

I’d just stare and shake my head

but no it’s me

someone that should’ve known better

but what else can I do?

Someday I might learn

how to not care too much

but if I do I wouldn’t be myself

So give Icarus his wings back

and pile these rocks high enough

that I might have some shelter

to sleep away the pain

There’s so much work ahead of me

to try and carry on

and I don’t think I’ll be taking flight

anytime real soon

You know what sucks?

The only one getting hurt here is me

Your daughter might miss me for a moment

but she has all the love and support

from a hundred different directions

She’ll be just fine

And you apparently never stopped

to think that I might be there

for some greater reason

than to be a pair of hands and eyes

It was never just about her

She was part of a package deal

I thought I was negotiating

but instead I get the consolation prize

of wasted time and effort

I’m the one that put my heart at risk

standing by your side as best I could

waiting for the right time

to mention how I felt

but I just get cold shouldered

because apparently I’m more trouble than I’m worth

I mean, I knew that going in

that I was just as worthless

as the last one

I just hope I could be useful for awhile

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

When did I become just scenery?

Don’t you remember when you opened up to me?

Nah, I bet you don’t

and it doesn’t really matter now

You broke your emotional support human

so just get another one

It’s amazing every time

how quick and easy it is

watching as dreams fade and die

All the things I wanted to share with you

mean nothing now

There’s no enthusiasm left

just a hole I’d thought I’d filled

instead left that much wider

All the possibility

couldn’t fill it now

Not sure what the point was

Guess I spent my energy

fooling myself into thinking

that I mattered somehow

and now there’s nothing left here

but the truth of the situation

that I was just a pair of hands

a warm body, nothing more

I guess I saw it to the end

didn’t think it’d be so soon

but no one gets what they want always

Don’t worry, I won’t bother you

you’ll pass by me here eventually

right where you left me standing

with nothing to show for my time

but memories and a foolish dream

that lies dead at my feet

No, no, it’s fine

all that shared experience

meant nothing in the end

It was my bad for thinking

that we were closer than that

after I supported you

through all that resolution

I get that I’m not needed now

I should’ve known it then

It’s my failure in trying not to show

how much it meant to me then to be there

for her, for you, for everyone

So I stand here now

left behind in your wake

as I should’ve known it would end

Maybe I should’ve listened

when the voice inside my said

Just to stay in bed and let it go

I rebuilt my world

with you two at the center

and that was my mistake

I never asked

never considered

the fact that you weren’t willing

the thought that you weren’t ready

the complete lack of consent

to holding up a broken man

I put too much on you

and now I stand here empty

pieces falling down around me

as I realize you never even knew

where you were

Painstaking reconstruction

ruined by missing forethought

and the only one I have to blame is me

When I look back on my life

I want there to be a reason

a purpose

something left behind

to mark it as a worthy one

I thought the point had shifted

to one centered around you

but I never stopped to question

if that was what you wanted

A stupid selfish moment

a lifeline as I was drowning

that I held onto far too long

Been here before, I’m sad to say

I have a habit of delusion

so don’t mind me as you walk away

I’ve done this to myself before

it turns out the same way every time

You’d think I’d know better

but it’s not a lesson that ever seems to stick

So I’m sure I’ll rebuild again

and find myself again in ashes

It’s just what I do

and you’re better off paying no mind

I’m just damaged goods

This is one of those days

I’d usually just curl up into a ball

and let the feelings pass

but I can’t do that now

Instead I have to stand up

meet the voices straight-on

and keep my head up and about me

I won’t miss something of hers

if I can help it

not even as I’m being crushed

by the weight and bombarded by the lies

that little part of me likes

to tell myself when something’s gone wrong

That would be the easy way

to let the darkness win

and I haven’t let it have a victory yet