Someone tell my head

to stop running away from me

with potential possibilities

that clearly haven’t happened yet

and just by rules of common chance

aren’t even remotely likely

I always say to hope for the best

while expecting the worst

the idea being to never be disappointed

and I always trick myself

and end up disappointed anyway

when something doesn’t happen

like I should’ve known it would

I’ll spend far too much time

agonizing over what might be

to the point where what ends up

can’t possibly be enough

I should know to settle

things aren’t perfect all the time

but if given even the smallest chance

the dimmest flicker of hope

I’ll grab that bitch like a life preserver

and float right into the rapids

down and over the water’s edge

and drown again in the emptiness

waiting there for me

It’s sad how fast the optimism fades

The good times seem so fleeting

as insecurity rolls back in

The voices of doubt and incredulity

tend to fill the silence

that inevitably follows

the moments of true happiness

Nothing’s perfect all the time

but the speed in which the high wears off

has to be measured near that of light

the way I end up empty

I wish I could just bottle up

the joy and pride I feel with them

so that in these darker moments

I could just crack it open

and push away the negative

with a little blast of light

Instead I have to struggle

and argue with the voices

and remind myself repeatedly

those voices often lie

The lights are on,

the curtain drawn

It’s your time to shine

Don’t let ’em see you sweat

You know the lines

Just play it straight

you’re on your way already

Give her the command performance

They’ll never know how weak your knees are

or how close you came to losing your lunch

Don’t let them smell the weakness

Just perform as if your life depends on it

and when the time comes

and the curtain falls

gather yourself off stage

and prepare for the next act

because those lights don’t ever really fade

and if you want the accolades

you’d best be ready to play the part

as long as it takes

to win the role

whatever that means

It’s funny to look back

not sure why she crossed my mind today

Probably ’cause I’m still trying

to clear out the wreckage she left behind

Wonder if she’d still hate the idea

of being my muse and inspiration

as much as she did when she figured out

some of my words were about her

I’ll never understand

how I ended up so lost

trying to follow someone

that clearly didn’t know how to lead

Mixed signals and missed messages

crossed wires and cross attitudes

One step forward, three steps back

is all it ever was

Your standard school kid love affair

as conducted in your thirties

So much immaturity

from every side and angle

The damage left behind

on my own poor psyche

is so much greater in importance

than anything else that ever came

I still hesitate

to share the level of my emotion

with anyone, thanks to her

and our implosion when she realized

she’d led a lovesick fool

to get stuck inside her orbit

but there was no room there for me

We never spoke again, did we?

Funny how that works, I guess

So sure she’d mean something forever

and I was kinda sorta right

but not in any way I wanted

as I try to peel back scars

her presence left behind

I hear it in the back of my head

“Good job, you’ve done it again”

and I think I know better,

but do I really?

Silence has always been deafening

when I’m the one reaching out

despite what I’ve been told before

I can’t help but take it personally

Did I come off too strong again?

Did I let out a little too much of my crazy?

I try so hard to hide it all

but at the same time let it out

so that it doesn’t haunt me

And now it’s feasting on this

repeating all possible failures

filling the silence with self-loathing

and I have no distractions

nothing to pull me

away from the sound

of my own head

This is what happens

when I try to live

when I let myself feel

I feel too strongly

it overwhelms me

and then I do something

to make sure I stop

Please break the silence

let the voices be wrong

give me something to cling to

as I try to pull myself together

Lost in this darkness

forever alone

forever left behind

forever a problem best forgotten

forever broken

Whatever this dance is

I’m not sure I can keep up

I can’t hear the music anymore

and you keep changing speed

The steps just don’t line up

I think the game has changed

and I don’t know the rules

I keep striking out

when my bat’s not even moving

I thought the bases were loaded

but something’s funny with the scorecard

I’m on my last out, I guess,

but who’s doing the counting?

I’m so lost out here now

and you were supposed to be my lifeline

but I’m just kinda hanging now

not sure which direction’s home

As mixed up as these metaphors

could you tell me in plain English

just what the hell is going on

what went wrong and when?

The instructions were never very clear

and I guess I thought I was further along

than I really am

as I find myself getting left behind

in a race I thought I could win

I’m sorry, I forgot the rules

thought maybe I could be happy

But no, it just took a reminder

and now I remember my place

No hopes, no dreams, no expectations

they only lead to pain

Good things must be spare and fleeting

or else must hurt when they don’t come true

I’m not meant for better things

I should’ve learned a long time ago

Rest assured I’ll take the lesson

to heart this time and just let go

Here we go again

up and down like a yo-yo

and of course there’s someone

on the end of that string

twirling me in every direction

I do tricks, you know,

for the barest hint of affection

a little light pat on the head

now and then, to keep me tame

Guess it’s time to play dead

I shouldn’t let it bother me

shouldn’t spend so much of my headspace

hyping up what I know will never happen

Should’ve never let myself feel again

I might as well have tied that rope

as I’m bounced back and forth

by actions that shouldn’t have this much meaning

He who feels strongest loses

and that will always be me

wrapped around another finger

Just let me down easy this time

I’m not sure how much longer I can spin

Scattered little moments

reminders of what I thought I held

so tight but never in my hands

slip through fingers that never learned

how to hold on loosely

tricked by broken understanding

and emotions overwhelming

dragged into the open flame

left behind to burn

now reflections everywhere

drag me into memories

like those flames so long ago

the scars still scalding to the touch

it seems the fantasy created

unwitting illusion of heart and mind

still carries what once burned so bright

and seeks to fan the flames anew

If she knew just how much time

I spend thinking of her

I’d probably never see her face again

But I can’t help but wonder

when there’s little left to do

and my mind begins to wander her direction

Something about the thought of her

gives me inspiration

a little bit of substance I can dream of

Though fleeting and ephemeral

the thought that somewhere out there

she carries on through this same world

and all its fruitless struggles

is something I can cling to

even through the darkness

and though we may never be the way

my deepest dreams desire

I can take some solace

in the fact that she’s still out there

our paths still set to cross again

as sure as dreams are made of…