I have to believe in love

Without it, what’s worth living for?

Such a broken world we’ve built

there have to be some rays of light

that spill out of the darkness

Some meaning, some purpose to it all

or else why stick around?

The fairy tales and romances

can’t be completely lies

How could we have made it

this far this long without some truth?

There has to me something there

something that makes it all worthwhile

and I refuse to worship

money or power or any of that

The meaning of it all is love

it has to be, or what’s the point?

I need to work on me

so that someday it won’t hurt

when I get forgotten

Stray throwaway possibilities

shouldn’t mean so much to me

that when they don’t become reality

I don’t feel abandoned

I draw too much from others

because I’m still so empty

but I don’t know how to fill me up

I can’t seem to stay too still

Introspection leads down dangerous paths

but there’s only so much I can do

I wish I was enough for me

let alone anyone else

then maybe I would actually be

enough for someone else

Every time we’re together

I find another scar

Another souvenir left behind

by those that came before

Another line of charred remains,

another wall built high and wide

Hurt and burned so many times

and all I want to do

is push through with all my might

but I doubt that would get me inside

It would likely only leave me

left standing in the wreckage

empty-handed and alone

So I’ll try the long game

for as long as I can stand

There has to be a way inside

whether by crack or key

Some gap in these defenses

built in understandable response

to a world chock full of disappointment

I have my own set of scars and walls

and they’re a big part of my hesitation

I’ve been burned by pushing too hard too fast

and also by not trying hard enough

So I stand in my own fortress

hoping you’ll let me in yours someday

as a little part of you has found

its way into my little world

and I think it best if we could try

to merge these walls together

The voice inside my head keeps getting louder

telling me all the reasons it would never work

and how much better off I am

just keeping my mouth shut and head down

(like I’ve failed at every time before)

So why would I do that, knowing it never works?

Simple, fear and paralysis

I don’t want to lose anything ever again

as agonizing as it might be

to be so close and so far away

Having them in my life,

two bright spots in an awful dark sky,

in any capacity

is just too valuable to risk

for the potential of something more

So I sit here, silent, thanking all the lucky stars

to even be allowed to be this close

As sad and pathetic as it seems

I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time

…and I can’t let that slip away

Can you feel it?

There’s something the air

some barely there sensation

a buzz of possibility

Somethings out there

Just beyond that horizon

at the bottom of that mountain

you just have to take that first step

Let go of the rope

you tied yourself into

for safety, for security,

for your own mental healing

Take that chance,

close your eyes,

and break free of the chains

born out of trauma

they’re no longer needed

You know better well enough

not to touch the open flame

but you might dance with it awhile

and see what rises from the smoke and ash

The guardrails served their purpose,

kept you on the safer path,

but now is time to forge your own trail

free from what came before and after

Let go

let’s go

Let’s take that road as yet untraveled

find where it may lead

and face into the rising sun for once

rather than keeping it at our backs

Because that’s where the adventure lies

and the potential happy ending

that no one ever finds

behind the guardrails

Does it mean what I think it means

when I find myself flipping through their pictures

to make it through the day?

When I feel the need to give myself

an extra eternal reason or two

to push through bad or boring days?

I used to think that self-improvement

was all about the self part

but every time I find myself

working to be better

it’s to prove to some part of me

that I’m good enough for someone else

And now it’s not just a her

but a them I find myself trying for

I want to be more

than just enough to win them over

I want to be the best me I can be

because they deserve it

They give me the push to keep on

through discomfort, pain, struggle

Their faces, their voices,

unlock whatever lies in me

that makes everything

worth the time and effort

I carry on as much for them

(if not more and more)

as for myself most days

and maybe I’m the only one

that feels this way about it all

but I’ll carry on regardless

and maybe I’ll be better through it all

because of them and of myself

no matter the outcome

…just as soon as I face the fact

that yes, this is love

and all that entails

Mixed signals and crossed connections

I’ve seen this all before, my dear

and frankly it was old long before my time

Will we? Won’t we?

Can we make decisions

like adults are supposed to do?

We find ourselves in the same places

far too often for coincidence

but neither of us ever seems to stay

Why hesitate?

We might both be looking for forever

but we don’t have forever left to find it

If we don’t think we’re worth a shot

that’s one thing

but why are we both hesitating

as if something better

is right around the corner?

I, for one, am not convinced

anyone else is worth it

So let’s lay our hands all out here

for each of us to see

No talk, no games, just action

make our moves or walk away

I’ll bet all in on us right now

so it’s time to call or fold.

Here I am

flashing back to high school

feeling lost and alone again

hear the laughter as I fall

Can barely catch my breath

assaulted by emotion

Not sure which way to turn

so I stand motionless

Take a look around

nothing there to guide me

I feel my away around

through all the emptiness

All this to avoid

facing my true fear

Trapped in loops on endless rewind

to avoid moving forward

Everything that could go wrong

plays out in slow motion

And there nothing for me here

to do but watch and wait and suffer

Disconnected as if left behind

to float away forever

I have to find my footing

I have to find the door

I have to get away from this

before I lose control

Here I am

with a fine fuck off

to the thought of you

and the damage that you left behind

I can’t escape the fear

of someone being shown too much

and running away screaming

or worse, doing as you did

The walk away in silence

The anonymous mocking

The fading as if I never mattered

Years later and you haunt me still

giving weight to the voices in my head

I’ve always struggled to shut out

A kindred spirit turned to wicked vengeance

I hope you’re happy out there

I’m sure you found your way

to everything you ever wanted

while I’m still drowning here

waiting for the lifeline

you pulled straight from my hands

I’m sure it would give you glee

to know what marks you left behind

so fuck you again from your past

as the one left here to burn

in the flames you left behind

so long ago you probably barely remember

Well I’m still here and they still glow

and I’m left motionless in them

unable to break free

Don’t mind me

I’m just getting in my head again

the music on repeat

and all the memories flashing through

This is just what happens

when I allow myself to feel

and find myself with time on my hands

My head can’t help wandering

through minefields I keep crossing

and everything that can go wrong

no matter how ridiculous

will happen in my mind

After all, it’s all happened before

I’m just so sure of failure

some mistake, misstep, missed chance

something will blow up in my face

So why not set myself to fail

Rip the bandage off right now

I’ve fallen every time I’ve tried

So let me drown in love songs

and fantasies of what could be

if I could just escape

from my own booby traps

and finally look outside myself