It’s a good day to listen to a country song

and think about the past

That moment comes when you remember

all the well-traveled roads

how they all looked the same

and ended in the same destination

right back where you started

all alone and struggling

All that time spent chasing

the same class of people

they all start to blend together

in your fading memories

Eventually the faces blur

and the feelings blunt themselves

like your favorite kitchen knife

in the back of the junk drawer

So listen to the music

and float away in fantasy

Maybe someday something different comes

but not tonight, so just take what’s here

and let it float away

I’m starting to twenty-second guess myself

and overthink about how to make things right

but there is no making things right

when I did so little wrong

and am still the only one to apologize

Of course I’m sorry for my mistakes

but I’m the only one admitting to my issues

so why should I go crawling back

when we’ll end up in the same old traps

I can’t walk through landmines anymore

and even once the anger passes

I don’t think you’re willing

to see my side or ever meet me halfway

so what would be the point of reconciliation?

I’m not worth the work to you

and I’ll have to come to terms with that

It’s just the way this all works, after all

It’s real and in my hands
The culmination of a grand idea
The plant that grew
from the soil of frustration,
desperation, and pain
So small and yet so heavy
and I would gladly trade it
and all that’s contained within
to have never felt the emotions
contained within its pages
There in black and white
the struggle to maintain
something so important
and the crushing realization
when it all cam crashing down
A storm of mixed emotions
as I glance down at the cover
and think of what it took
to piece it all together
I can’t turn the pages
I don’t have the strength
to risk repeating all that angst
spilled upon that paper
I hope others can get something
out of my catharsis
and maybe I can grow from this
now that it is real

I don’t miss you

but I do miss mattering to you

I miss effort being put jn

and time being spent

I miss sharing souls

and living life

together

I miss belonging

somewhere with someone

not needing a purpose

just being free to keep going

I could’ve had that with anyone

but I found it in you

and you took it away

So no, it’s not you I miss

It’s everything you were

and all you could’ve been

and all I was because of gou

That’s what you gave me

and that’s what you cost me

and that’s what I mourn

I guess what makes me broken

is that I would gladly trade

all the highs I’ve ever had

to have never had the lows

They always say you can’t have one

without the experience of the other

and my only question

is what’s wrong with that?

To never feel is to be at peace

Don’t leave the the door open

as you walk out on me

or one day you might try to return

only to have it slammed in your face

I don’t deserve what you’ve put me through

and I’m not above giving back what I get

I hope you’re happy where you’re at

and never think to look back

What you might’ve had is gone

you throw it away long ago

and hopefully I won’t be

the only one to suffer for it

when I’m the one that did the least

to deserve the pain

I paid the only penance

I ever truly owed

so now it should be your turn

so here’s to regret down the road

and wondering what might have been

because we’ll never get that chance

and that shouldnh bother only me

for I’m not the only one that lost

but I didn’t lose by choice

It’s hard to hate yourself

when your mind is busy

hating someone else

so I thank you

for saving me that pain

Just wish you could’ve helped

in a way that lasted

or actually meant something

and didn’t leave me just as broken

as when you stepped in to fix me

No thanks to you

I’m still standing here

Spite is a powerful tool

and disgust a mighty glue

helping hold me together

long enough to make you regret

throwing away what you claimed to value

I used to think it was important

to tell someone when you miss them

Make sure the people in your life

know exactly how you feel, right?

But the lesson I get from you

is to lock that shit down tight

because you never know when love

might be interpreted as pressure

when requests become demands

or when presences turns to obligation

Hold on loosely? Try not at all

because any little grip

can apparently leave a mark

and send someone running

when you need them most…

There are so many words I can find

to describe how I feel right now

Hurt, deceived, abandoned,

but mostly just numb

The feelings all jumble

into such a mess

that I can’t sort out any of it

I can’t believe the same person

so dedicated to stepping in

and saving me in my darkest moment

would cut me off so near-completely

but then leave these dangling threads

and ways to reconnect

somewhere down the road

as if I’d ever let you in

after what you’ve pulled

No thanks, that’s okay

If I wanted a knife in the back

I’d put one on the floor just right

and fall backwards myself

I do a good enough job

of torturing myself daily

that I don’t need any so-called friends

to stop and lend a hand

Please just go away

if you’re going to make a mockery

of everything that was promised

on that second-darkest day

Don’t maintain this disrespect

of both her and I

Just let it go and walk away

like you seem so quick to do

until those footsteps hesitate

and you give a sideways glance

I see it all because of course

I’m still watching like a fool

some small part wishing you’d turn back

but the rest just wants to see you go

to know you’re truly out that door

so I can start to repair the damage

done by your sudden exit

Remember, I’m not perfect

When I get over this

I will hold grudges

towards the people

that could’ve helped me through

but chose to leave me

to suffer through my head

alone