“This isn’t how I wanted it to end”

has to be one of the dumbest phrases

in all of human history

We generally don’t start things

thinking they’re going to end

and usually if we do

the journey getting there is the point

not where it all ends up

Books and movies, songs and tales,

those are meant to wrap up somewhete

but no one lives their life expecting

to know when it’s all over

or how it comes

or how each point and period

will twist and turn its way toward

the inevitable conclusion

Of course this isn’t how you’d thought it’d go

but it’s where your road

and your choices

have brought you on your merry way

so deal with that and learn for next time

That’s all you can do, really

Don’t bemoan how it’s over

it’s just a waste of time…

Oh look, another berry picked

from a garden meant for memory

You were there to start it

but you haven’t been back since

The dirt you dug into,

the starts you planted grown,

all left untouched by you after

All that meaning tossed aside

for reasons still unclear to me

Left to overgrowth and death

if it were up to you

but we’ve kept it alive

to honor she that isn’t here

Others stepped in to do the work

you were supposed to help with

and the fruits of labors past

will be enjoyed without you

Was any of that real

or was I just lost in my own head?

I thought we were close enough

that I could be myself

but the more I opened up

the more you inched away

I was too caught up to notice

the space you put between us

until I tried to reach across the gap

and you pulled me in and walked away

Climbing out was a challenge

but here I am standing tall again

just trying to sort out everything

so that I might learn the lessons

this ordeal was meant to teach

But all I’m gettong here

is not to trust a friend

and that can’t be the right takeaway

from this whole ordeal

…cam it?

Now I understand

how petty and how small

Line up to take your shots

You’ve already done your worst

There’s nothing left to say

that could hurt me more

than the timing of you walking away

Hell, you can’t even match

the voice of the depression

taunting me in my own head

So thinly veiled cheap shots

are grazing blows at best

Kinda funny, actually

I thought I was the only one

still thinking about it all

Forgot who I was dealing with

the only one I know

who outdid me with overthinking

Well you overthought this one too much

as we both have every time

You’re a bit too late

foe it to land the way you meant

so maybe you should do

what you actually tried to

and just walk away for good

and don’t look back this time

because of course I’ll see it coming

I’m still watching you walk away

It would’ve been better to let me fall

than to step in and pick me up,

carry me around like a little toy,

then throw me away from a higher place

I almost didn’t survive the impact

But I couldn’t give you the satisfaction

of being right to toss me aside

Besides, I’m an expert at self-reassembly

So I’m gathering up the pieces

you so callously left behind

and I’ll carry on regardless

in spite of and to spite you

And I hope someday you glance back

at what you shed yourself of

with at least a little flicker of regret

But I won’t hold my breath

and I’ll try not to think about it

I have too much on my hands

trying to get by

So many fires and so much time

spent drawn into the flames

and I think I finally burned my heart out

So tired of these situations

I always seem to trap myself

in places and people

where I end up hurting myself

in my inability

to grasp what’s actually going on

I only want to watxh it burn

and maybe warm myself

but instead I fall face-first

and end up scarred and ashen

Throwing myself at those

unwilling or unable

to return what I try to give

so I end up giving more

until nothing’s left

watching at they drop those pieces

of myself I’ve handed then

right into these flames

Having to dig through

and burn myself some more

as they walk away and leave me there

to melt and blow away

You’d think I’d know better

but here I am emerging

once again from embers

a smoldering pile of soot and reminders

of what happens when I feel

Anyone else ever have that dream

where you’re behind the wheel

driving on a mountain road

and there’s a corner up ahead

You have plenty of reaction time

and yet you find yourself

not following the curve

Instead you fly right off

(of course in slow motion)

and there’s that brief moment

before you wake up

that you think it’s gonna hurt

or maybe you won’t feel a thing

Maybe it’ll be nice and quick

a tragedy easily avoided

but inevitable now

You ever have that dream?

I think I have that life

a sequence of inevitable

avoidable disasters

corners I could steer into

with ease and keep on going

but somehow I keep trying to fly

This is all I’ve ever wanted

to love and be loved in return

to find purpose in being

the best that I can be

for both of us

Such a little thing

that I’ve spent so much time

looking for so desperately

Trying to find value for myself

in the reflection of others

and it’s never there for long

We are all mirrors, true,

but we reflect ourselves

and I have yet to see myself

in someone else for long enough

but I keep searching

despite all pointlessness

And each time I break the glass

and cut myself a little deeper

but the bleeding stops eventually

and when it does

I clean myself up

and gather my thoughts

and ride off again like Don Quixote

tilting at another windmill

waiting to get hurt again

because no one ever loves

the way I do

How fucking dare you tell me how to grieve?

Take your false sympathy and disappear

Such a cold and callous person you turned out to be

Wrap your disgusting behavior in the shield of self-preservation

Your feelings are valid, after all

…but so are mine, right or wrong

and who are you to tell me what I can feel

or for how long?

If you can’t handle it, you could’ve walked away

at any point in time

or hell, you could’ve left me alone in the first place

…so why didn’t you?

Was my back just looking empty

waiting for you to get close enough to stab me in it?

I’ll never understand how you could turn so quickly

so completely

I guess it’s my fault for letting my guard down

too bad you weren’t worth trusting after all…

The only mistake I made was needing you

For that you felt you had to walk away

and try to let me drown in my emotions

I hope there never comes a day

when you need me in some way again

because I will never bleed myself

for someone that set out to crush me

I do enough harm to myself

that I don’t need the help