The moment I walked away
from a dance with her
was the exact point in time
when everything started going wrong
and it’s been one long, slow decline
ever since that night
twentysomething years ago
that I still remember
as if it were yesterday
Ancient history, I’m sure
and not usually something I think about
But someone found a memory,
sent it off my way,
and now I’m sifting through
the remains of all that was
that we long left behind
looking for the lessons
I was meant to learn back then
Because I keep on repeating
such similar mistakes,
echoes through the timestream
of failing then to understand
the meaning of the situation
the opportunity presented
and the ability to set aside
the silly little fantasies
that fill my head so quickly
and just live in the moment
Maybe it goes back even further
to a beach walk in the rain
or maybe I’m just overthinking
times best left undisturbed
trying to recapture
that which I’ve been chasing
since that rainy afternoon…

I’m just pathetic enough

to have to stop myself

from reaching out to you

I wanted to be there

standing near the finish line

waiting for you to cross

Was even planning it

to make sure you didn’t know

and it could be a surprise

How stupid was I?

I’m glad nothing was set in stone

or I’d have looked ever dumber

than I’d be if I sent you

the message that I want to

No, it’s on you

to contact me again

I’m not the one that walked away

so it’s not my position

to be the one crawling back

Nah, I’ll give you what you wanted

a life free of me

Just know out there somewhere

that I’m still thinking of you

even when you couldn’t give a damn

Maybe someday

I’ll hear those little feet

come stomping up the front steps

again

and I’ll sit just inside

smiling

waiting

for a living ray of sunshine

to burst in through the door

But for now there’s not much smiling

and the house is awful quiet

No light or noise I make

could ever reach all these corners

or clear out these shadows

the way her voice and presence could

every morning

5 days a week

no longer

Time to put it all away

and start again anew

I’ve been stuck in place so long

even the grooves have grooves worn in

The dust has covered everything

We’re long past time to blow it clear

So much so fast I just froze up

but now I’m free to move again

No idea what comes next

but I should be trying to figure it out

rather than hiding anymore

I’ve mourned the losses long enough

now comes repair, rebuild, and reassess

Somewhere out there I belong

not sitting here alone

One day I’ll be able

to do what everyone else does

and walk away from me

Then maybe I can be happy

then maybe I’ll be free

I thought out of sight

was supposed to lead to out of mind

If so, why can’t I free up

the space that I once gave you

rent-free in my head?

Just hand over the metaphorical key

and leave me to forget you

Stop popping up from time to time

like a ghost trying to haunt me

I don’t need these thoughts

to torment me at random moments

when there’s no upside

You’ve probably long since forgotten

so why can’t I?

You stepped in when you didn’t have to

and I’ll never know just why

but I wish you hadn’t

Because when it all became too much

and you slammed that door

you honestly hurt me just as much

as what you’d tried to help me through

You tore a wounded heart out

and left it bleeding on the floor

My world had just been glued together

Guess what? It shattered again

into pieces smaller and more numerous

Granted, that was my mistake

letting my dreams run free

ahead of reality

Thinking if I could just hang on

I’d have exactly what I wanted

A place where I belonged

A family to surround myself with

Others to share this life with

to love, support, and cherish

In the end it was too much

for me to ask of anyone

I lost the last one who cared

and thought I’d found someone else

that might care just enough

that I could get past missing her

Instead I turned out wrong

and instead of missing her

I get to alternate

between love and hate

Missing you and cursing you

in pretty equal measure

So next time you think your move

is to step in to something, anything,

be sure you can handle it

Don’t break the next one, okay?

It’s too late for me

I was already broken

All you did was make sure

the edges don’t line up

I wish that I was getting lost in you, with you

Instead I’m sitting here, alone,

getting lost in music and memories insread

A mile or two of real-world distance

and a giant gulf of feelings and desires

stretch out between us, dividing,

separating, isolating,

too far for me to ever dream of crossing

I lost that chance long ago

and I’m not convinced it would’ve been right

to take it even if I could

but I can sure torture myself with the thought

If only is a sobering thought

One that never leads anywhere

and never closes gaps

but we all think it anyway

Some more than others

I think about it

I think about you

far more than I ever should

I only have to remind myself

a thousand times a day

that it wasn’t a breakup

it shouldn’t still bother me like this

and the way things ended

I should be happy it fell apart when it did

But it fell apart

and it was so close to beconing

everything I ever wanted

which is something I’m not sure

that I’m allowed to have

So I sit here, lost again,

alone and wondering

if you think of me at all

I doubt it

You’re the one living life

while I’m stuck here dreaming

and wishing I could just stay lost

in something, anything else

forever

What a naive fantasy

There’s no amount of explanation

that can magically change things

and make it all okay

They don’t want to see

a damn thing from my point of view

If they did, they’d still be here

not some million miles away

living life without me

and leaving me to fight to understand

Because I’m the only one

so obsessed with understanding

knowing what happened

and trying to learn

from each move, each miss, each mistake

Maybe I’m just too much

for anyone to care about

to the same extent

that I come to care for them

Maybe I’m just not meant

to get what’s in

the head of someone else

And maybe it’s my curse,

my cross to bear forever

the struggle with understanding

and being understood

Why does everyone else

get to turn and walk away

from this mess I’ve made

but me?

I can’t pick this up

all on my own

I’m not the only one

responsible for all this

but somehow it’s my burden

I’m so tired of bearing it

that I think I’ll sit right here

and wallow in it instead

Let these four walls

close in tight

and maybe this all

will be the death of me