It seems like such a waste

losing touch with something

that felt so important then

Guess it doesn’t matter now

as they slip to memory

There are much more pressing thoughts

that I should be busy having

than to worry about

someone that walked away

Another wasted day

another empty year

and one pointless breath after another

Is there even a reason?

Or is this all some grand illusion

a cosmic joke without a punchline?

Well I’m not laughing

I’m suffering through

Crawling through this tunnel

and there’s not even the light of an oncoming train

No point

no purpose,

Just pain and then nothing

and when nothing is the best you can hope for

then there’s something very wrong

with everything

Feels like forever

since these words last crossed my lips

Somehow it seems like yesterday

and yet another lifetime

I wonder how we got here

so far from where it all began

Late nights under starlight

Drives and dives and endless potential

a long and winding road

that led us completely different directions

But we still have those moments

and memories to tie us

together across such great distance

Thank you

I really needed the reminder

I was starting to believe

I might actually matter

But what’s the old line?

(the one I always hated)

Something about what you get

for thinking…

I bought into the platitudes

and somehow forgot my place

is that I don’t have one

Not anymore

It’s awful quiet here, alone

where I’ve been left behind again

Crisis brings the chaos

and everyone else swoops in

Someone always seems to save me

from falling in completely

But they always disappear

back to their own worlds

Others can walk away from this

but I can’t leave myself

and the isolation calls

so cold, so dark, so empty

so free from the pain of falling

All these last-minute liftups

I know I should be happy for

but sometimes I have to wonder

if it wouldn’t be easier

to handle all this silence

if I never heard the noise

of others coming to the rescue

then riding off again

Surrounded by these great love stories

wondering when my turn will come

if only I could stop falling for

the broken and unobtainable

I try so hard to give my heart away

to those not ready

or not available

or far too scarred from their own past failings

only to watch drop it

in the nearest trash can

as they walk as far away

from me as the path can carry them

Is it any wonder

that some little sliver of my swlf

can’t believe that I’m worth anything

when so many have discarded

all I’ve tried to give?

There’s no one left

that puts any value

on my existence

so it’s no surprise to me

that I struggle to find said value

in continuing to live

But I fear the alternative

so I keep on going

looking much like Sisyphus

with this boulder up the hill

trying to find my place

alongside someone else

You break me in ways I can’t explain

Leave me twisted in impossible knots

Throw out every higher function

and all that remains is a babbling mess

It’s so far beyond understanding

the how’s and why’s and what you do

without effort, without knowledge,

without even having to try

I wish I had your strength

so that I might shore up defenses

solid and sturdy enough to hold

against whatever force it is

that takes my wits away

when it comes to dealing with you

I don’t think it’s possible

for us to understand each other

and it’s far past time

for me to accept that and walk away

You’ll never know what you do to me

what you’ve done to me

what a mess has been made

of an already broken mind

I’m not sure I’m capable

of picking up the pieces

Not this time

They keep sticking in my fingers

my hands as bloody as my heart must be

as I spill it out to you

for no good reason

What am I doing here?

What’s the point to all this?

Jusr give up and disappear

it’s the best for both of us

I think

Pouring my heart out to a brick wall

tying myself into knots over nothing

because she stopped caring a long time ago

(if she ever really did)

Thought I was past this point

but here we go around again

and fuck her very much

for being someone that was supposed to care

yet bringing me to this place

over and over and over

This Isn’t worth it

She’s not worth it

Nothing’s worth this

Ahh, there’s that feeling again

I thought I was finally free

But now that twisted, burning knot

has started up again

Eating at me from inside

my stomach all but useless

Another bad idea

and another battle with anxiety

Should’ve kept to myself

isolation was lovely while it lasted

but now I’m back

I can feel again

Didn’t take long to hurt myself

So excuse me

while I sneak away

back to my own exile

That cave was awfully nice

and these butterflies are obnoxious

and there’s nothing good thst can come

from any further contact

so forget the outside world

I’m hack to hibernation

Don’t wake me up again