You’re the one holding the paddles

as I crash out on the table

but no one’s yelling clear

as my life flashes before my eyes

How sad and sorry I’ve been

nothing much of substance

and here I am silently begging

for some attempt at revival

My heart is in your hands

can you at least try to keep it beating?

You’re right, I am relying on you

probably too much for some

I guess you’re included in that

I thought that was what you asked for

when you stepped in at a time of need

and you never said it was too much

until it crept up on both of us

Now I can’t even tell you I miss you

because I’m afraid it would be

the last words I ever said to you

that you actually listened to

It’s up to you, I’m afraid

to help me here at least one last time

Tell me it’s over, tell me to go

Leave no uncertain words

or tell me it doesn’t have to end this way

Tell me we might salvage something

out of my ignorance here

Just tell me something

before it’s too late…

You made a promise to me
that we wouldn’t lose touch
I’d get to keep seeing her
and watch her grow up
What did that promise mean?
Word given in my mom’s memory
Guess it didn’t mean as much
to you as it did to me
Figures, that’s a running theme
I always care more than others
Words and moments, places and people
they all have meaning to me
but apparently not to others
A hard lesson to learn
especially over and over
as you think you’ve found someone
that might actually share your view
only to discover
you’ve lied to yourself again
So tell me this
will you honor her in the end?
Will you keep that promise?
Or is that just a fantasy,
me caught dreaming once again
of the way things ought to be
and not the way they are…

Wrap me in the sounds of yesterday

when things were so much easier

because we didn’t know the consequences

but did everything anyway

Drift back to nights on the road

heading nowhere fast under the stars

Endless possibility ahead just like the highway

Dive bars and hotel parking lots

cheap beer and cigarettes at midnight

Crawling into bed just in time for the work alarm

getting right back up and out there

Late nights and early mornings

Everything was an adventure

We had no idea then

just how good we had it

did we?

As I sit here just on this side of middle age

what I wouldn’t give for one more night

of that youthful celebration

of what it meant to have no destination

just a direction off into who knows where

which, of course, was half the fun…

It’s like Schrodinger’s friendship here

Is it alive, is it dead?

What if trying to observe it kills it?

Maybe better to walk away

and let it die from distance

than to rip the bandage off

and know for sure…

Sounds so stupid when it’s put that way

Of course I need to follow through

…so why the hesitation?

Because maybe I don’t want to know

Maybe I’ve already blown it

and all I would do in trying to mend things

is hurt myself further

But if I take the easy way

do nothing and let it all fade

what am I giving up?

Obviously it was something

that I thought was worth panicking over

so why let it go so easily?

My stomach turns in knots

the butterflies get bigger

with every passing moment

the indecision killing me

Guess this is the price I pay

for a loss of control of sorts

Time to pay the debt one way or another…

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Nope, let’s do it anyway.

Once more unto the breach

and all that epic bullshit

Full steam ahead

into the sunset

Someday that horizon

will stay still long enough

for us to figure out

what it’s been hiding all these years

Until then, let’s keep chasing

wherever these roads take us

What else could we need

but these four wheels

the open road before us

and a little bit of magic?

Just grab on and let go

first star past sunset

and straight on til forever

I don’t think I can ever forgive you
for making me ashamed
of the way I feel about you
Love should never be shameful
in a world where it’s so hard to find
To be labeled as guilty
for wanting something so simple
as knowing you’re there
through any situation
should be a crime of its own
Especially when you could ask anything
of me and I’d give it
if it’s in my power
The moment I needed
a hand to hold onto
is when you pulled out and away
So maybe you can forgive me
for holding a grudge
but it’s forgiveness I don’t care to seek

Funny how quickly things can change

Just a couple days ago

I would’ve walked through fire for you

and probably never felt a thing

Now I’d probably throw a match and walk away

Guess that’s what happens

when the realization hits

that everything you’re giving up

would never be reciprocated

because that’s too much like love or something

The catalyst was being made

to feel ashamed for caring

No one should be shamed

for daring to give a damn

and trying to show it

No man is an island

as the poet said long before we were born

so to treat me as a lesser person

for trying to rely on

someone that had relied on me

that’s a bridge too far

even for little old me

the simp of a lifetime

Don’t send for me too soon

The weight of the world is on my shoulders

so there’s no room left for you

Don’t worry, I learned your lesson well

and I won’t rely on you at all

In fact, I won’t even contact you

unless spoken too, okay?

Is that what you wanted?

Total fucking silence?

You can have it, gladly

All you had to do was ask

Can’t cross invisible boundaries

if you don’t even look that way

It’s sad that this is what it came to

the end result of all I gave

but such is lie and all its lessons

We don’t always get what we want

…well, at least I don’t

Looks like this time you do

Have your cake and eat it, too

Wish I could shove it in your face

So there I was reaching a hand out

and all you did was stomp on it

A swat in the face with a rolled up newspaper

would’ve been less brutal and unexpected

Drowning in my head

and you throw me an anchor

and all is supposedly well now?

Oh hell no it isn’t

I climbed free of the quicksand

no thanks to you

and I’m standing here now

just aching to make clear

how much you hurt me

when what I needed was a little help

from someone I trusted

If that’s what I get in return

for all that I put out there for you

then maybe it’s time we just walk away

now that I’m actually able to walk

I could pour my poor heart out

and bleed all over these pages

but I don’t think words will move you

back in my direction

So much I want to say

that I’m sure falls on deaf ears

I’m just not at all what you’re looking for

and there’s nothing I can do

So much potential connection

severed by anxious ignorance

thrown away in happenstance

and here I am still panicking

I can’t catch my breath at all

or gather wits about me

too lost in mourning the sacrifice

of everything I ever wanted

Should’ve seen this coming

(I’m pretty sure I did)

as I pick myself up off this floor

just to watch you walk away

I knew you were the stronger one

You never really needed me

but God do I need you right now

But needing doesn’t make it so

and what’s in it for you?

I guess all that’s left for me

is to find a way to let it go

I can’t bear to see the end