I rebuilt my world

with you two at the center

and that was my mistake

I never asked

never considered

the fact that you weren’t willing

the thought that you weren’t ready

the complete lack of consent

to holding up a broken man

I put too much on you

and now I stand here empty

pieces falling down around me

as I realize you never even knew

where you were

Painstaking reconstruction

ruined by missing forethought

and the only one I have to blame is me

When I look back on my life

I want there to be a reason

a purpose

something left behind

to mark it as a worthy one

I thought the point had shifted

to one centered around you

but I never stopped to question

if that was what you wanted

A stupid selfish moment

a lifeline as I was drowning

that I held onto far too long

Been here before, I’m sad to say

I have a habit of delusion

so don’t mind me as you walk away

I’ve done this to myself before

it turns out the same way every time

You’d think I’d know better

but it’s not a lesson that ever seems to stick

So I’m sure I’ll rebuild again

and find myself again in ashes

It’s just what I do

and you’re better off paying no mind

I’m just damaged goods

This is one of those days

I’d usually just curl up into a ball

and let the feelings pass

but I can’t do that now

Instead I have to stand up

meet the voices straight-on

and keep my head up and about me

I won’t miss something of hers

if I can help it

not even as I’m being crushed

by the weight and bombarded by the lies

that little part of me likes

to tell myself when something’s gone wrong

That would be the easy way

to let the darkness win

and I haven’t let it have a victory yet

In your rush

to take on that new horizon

don’t forget about me back here

still trying to catch my breath

I want so badly

to stand beside you

as you face these challenges head on

but I’m starting to wonder

if it’s even worth trying to keep up

I don’t what I bring

to the table anyway

I just know I’d kill for a seat

but I’d only slow you down

and I refuse to be an albatross

so tired of the sacrifice

I’m not afraid to bleed

but there’s no point in the letting

when you’re capable of fighting your own battles

much better than I could ever dream of

all I can do is stand back and stand by

and hope on those occasions

you come back around this way

that I can be worth slowing down for

even for a moment

because I’ll never be enough

to hold you here

I’m tired of this self-fulfilling prophecy

this vibe I wake up feeling

that informs everything

because it’s always right

Just stamp “idiot* on my forehead

so every glance in the mirror

can remind me that I always know

how things are gonna end

Nothing’s worth it

when you never get what you wanted

and the consolation prize

is more than you signed up for

but far less than the reason

you tried to stick it out

Listen to yourself

when that little voice inside

greets you in the morning

and asks why even bother getting up?

You’ll regret it by the end of day

better to just curl up tight

and let it pass you by

I can see it coming

from what feels like a lifetime away

and yet I still know it’s gonna hurt

worse than almost anything

the inevitability won’t lessen the impact

when she pulls the rug out from under me

There will come a time

when she’s ready

and finds someone better

more interesting

more deserving than me

and I’ll be pushed aside

and it’ll likely kill me

but what can I do

especially knowing she deserves

whatever shred of happiness

she can find in this world

and if I can’t deliver that

what am I even doing here?

She crosses my mind

at least every single day

but I doubt I’m more

than a fleeting thought for her

because why would I be?

I’m the broken one,

the obsessive one,

the one better left behind

before I say or do something stupid

and ruin it all

So I’ll sit here, waiting,

catching whatever scraps I can

expecting the worst

knowing it’s coming

too paralyzed with fear

of losing out on something

to make any move at all

Losing myself again

in the words I can’t bring myself to say

Someone else is singing them much better

than I could ever hope to

and knowing someone else

has felt the same way I do

somehow makes it easier

despite getting no relief

from the actual ordeal

Maybe I could send her a song

like some lovesick teenager

I think I tried that way back when

doubt it’d go any better now

Nah, just let those words carry me

maybe they’ll bring clarity

as I drift away

into memories and emotions

You’d think things would change

but some thing’s always stay the same

no matter how much time has passed

and lessons have been learned

So just nod my head and sing along

and never get caught feeling

It’s just the music after all

not actually from my heart…

Dance, little monkey, dance

to the tune of your master

and when you’re done for now

make sure to return

to your little cage

Draw no attention

make no sound at all

and know that you’ll never be free

Some hand will always hold the rope

tied tight around your neck

but worry not about it

as long as you have purpose

you have naught to fear

Just don’t outlive your usefulness

keep moving on command

and when all is said and done

face the end with poise and grace

There’s nothing you can do

All those who fled the scene

leaving behind evidence

little scars and reminders

almost as ghosts to haunt me

They live rent-free in my head

their voices screaming at odd hours

amplifying everything

pounding drumbeat of negativity

No responsibility

or remorse for their actions

the marks they’ve left on me

and my shattered psyche

But I’m forced to remember

whenever someone comes along

that I might want to let inside

My hands start to shake

and I hesitate too long

as the voices rise

harping on insecurities

Digging deep and drawing blood

How can I remove them?

They’re not wanted anymore

I don’t want to keep comparing

I just want to be set free

and have the room to try again

without their shadows hanging over

myself and anyone I meet

How often do I cross your mind?

I’ve probably thought of you a hundred times today

Admitting that is hard because deep down I know

that the one that cares the least

is the one that holds the cards

and I can feel my poker face slipping

Surely you have some hint by now

that as thankful as I am for your friendship

I would do terrible, horrible things for something more

but I have to play the hand I’m dealt

and I don’t have the chips to raise

All I can do is call or fold

and I don’t think I have it in me

to get up from the table

So please, if you feel the same

you’ll have to be the one

to up the pot a little higher

and give me some kind of tell

‘Cause I don’t know how to read you

and I’m afraid to show ’em

I don’t want to sacrifice

when I’m holding nothing

Everything is in your hands

You only have to call

The worst part is going home

to a house full of junk and memories

but no warmth, no soul,

When she asked if I had to go home

I asked myself the same question

because this isn’t really home

not the one I want, anyway

This is just the house I live in

I don’t really have a home

the closest thing that I still have

is wherever those two are

and I worry about the day

they find out just what they mean

and don’t return the feeling…