Those words keep growing

in the back of my throat

choking off the airway

and pushing my tongue into my teeth

so difficult to force out

after all the times I’ve come to regret

letting them out

so burned, so scarred

by the mistake of believing them

time after time and now here I am

having to hold them back again

to stamp them down

lest they burst forth

like the spark that sets a wildfire

burning out of control

so sick of turning into ashes

having to dig to find the pieces

to reassemble yet again

I don’t think I have it in me

to rebuild myself again

and every time I’ve ever been

sure of anything in my life

I’ve learned the hard way

to never be sure of anything again

So don’t hold your breath

waiting for me to speak first

I’ll need a better signal

something to inspire

even a modicum of trust

in what I see and feel this time around

If I had only known what waited

for me down that road

I could have turned around

and walked away

instead I stumbled into

a trap of my own making

ignoring all the signs

I closed my eyes and kept on walking

blinded to the truth

I think I always knew inside

yet I took those red flags waving

and wrapped them tight around my face

no room to breath or smell

or see the coming end

of everything that kept me going

like a lost bird in the desert

the head so buried in the sand

such willful oblivion

as the world falls down around me

through the choices that I made

and the responses that they triggered

from someone that never seemed to care

near as much as I

Diving headfirst into worlds

you don’t really understand

tossing around words lacking in meaning

distorting the truths you think you’ve found

wrap yourself in comfort and security

born of lies and misunderstandings

go and sever all connection

with who and what you used to be

the lifeline isn’t strong enough

to pull you back from the abyss

you freely wander into

Someday may your journey lead

out into the other side

better for the experiences

but right now you’re as good as lost

among the weeds you see as beauty

Maybe it’s all over now

was it worth it?

I hope one day to look back

into time’s rosy tint

and smile knowing the ends

truly justified it all

the sleepless nights and struggles

but right now looking forward

all I see are dark skies

and land mines

to step blindly in between

I fear the worst

is ahead not behind

and that we can only imagine

what’s waiting

around those dark corners

clinging tight to a glimmer

of what little hope

Pandora left us

after all this ground we’ve covered

still moving on

Searching for true beauty

amid the desperation

when the struggle and the silence

fall away to show

that which makes it all worthwhile

those tender moments of honesty

soft and strong and buried deep

beneath the weight of mere existence

pressed like diamonds

into existence

honed like knives

from so much friction

we fight through endless

reams of bullshit

hands aligned to drag us down

all in hopes of tiny flashes

something more to keep us sane

that little smile

that gentle touch

those shared connections none can sunder

this world we’ve made

so cruel, so pointless

down deep there’s something

worth it all

You taught me to yell and scream

and fight and argue

even at the slightest inconvenience

You taught me to speak

over other voices

even the ones worth listening to

You taught me that which is not like you

isn’t to be respected or understood

but merely allowed to exist

as long as no one else might see

You taught me to throw my weight around

and that the world owes you everything

as long as you tried to give it something

at some point sometime long ago

You taught me that the man

should be taken care of

the head of the table

listened to and served by woman and child

You taught me that the world should just

get out of your way and let you

do what you want

because you always know best

and now it’s long past time to learn

to set that all aside

but I’m not sure I have the strength because

You didn’t teach me

Just a little word

before you walk away again

and leave me here

with only the walls to talk to

as I bleed myself dry

onto these metaphorical pages

like shouting into a vacuum

no one’s really listening

reaching out so desperately

for acknowledgement and connection

but the lines are down

no one’s at the other end

to give a damn

everyone has a life to lead

and maybe if we led them

a little more together

no one would have to feel alone

adriift in a sea of endless isolation

but here I am

tilting at the windmills again

just call me Don Quixote

and let me argue with these four walls

maybe the drywall will understand

as this time

instead of grasping

at the last shreds of sanity

I let it and them just slip away

and fall into the breakdown

maybe there will be someone there

to catch me as I fall apart…

Why do the words

“I’m wrong” and “I’m sorry”

weigh so heavy o

n the tongues of so many?

As if the mere admittance of failure

might tear a person’s soul asunder

or leave them empty

with nothing to hold onto

Speaking from experience

we are human and we err

probably far more often

than even the most humble

would feel comfortable admitting

Remember the old sayings

about erring and forgiving

the truth in those words we were passed down

and maybe we might find ourselves

lighter on our paths

if we let the words pass from our lips

Let them take away the burdens

of our darker moments

all that we should cling to

are the lessons learned in making,

not the mistakes themselves

I think I failed us both that day

I couldn’t give you what you asked

and sent us down the seperate roads

we’ve traveled ever since

All this rocky ground we’ve covered

I could’ve helped us both avoid

or at the very least provided

a little bit of guidance

had I had the foresight of

the consequences of my choices

It’s far too late to turn back now

no rewinding to that moment

but if I might provide the helping

hand you need to carry through

an offering to offset the trouble

we set in motion

with my words so long ago

Let’s cast aside all pretense here

I’m first in line to admit fault

and this one is a doozy of

the highest order and import

I lose myself to imagination

phantom possibilities

I chase with such veracity

all to crash and burn again

throw myself into the fire

attempting to smother flames

we surely could just walk around

self-sacrifice so far beyond

any explanation

either reasonable or otherwise

I play the role of martyr even

in the acts where none is needed

and never seem to understrand

why the scars of my stupidity

can never heal or disappear

I bleed myself repeatedly

for nothing more than easy vision

of the dark red footsteps as

the other person turns away

what else would a sane person do

when someone cuts in front of them

with no other purpose than

to fall right at their feet?

Soaked in sanguine self-importance

lying about all the reasons

slowing dying in the embers

of emotions only I will ever know

the pointless, empty, broken victim

of my own incompetence