Why does everyone else
get to turn and walk away
from this mess I’ve made
but me?
I can’t pick this up
all on my own
I’m not the only one
responsible for all this
but somehow it’s my burden
I’m so tired of bearing it
that I think I’ll sit right here
and wallow in it instead
Let these four walls
close in tight
and maybe this all
will be the death of me
Feels like I’m in a fun house hallway
in every direction a mirror
reflecting my failures and shortcomings
and down at the end of the hall
there’s a projector showing my every mistake
on twenty-four seven repeat
with slow motion rewind and commentary
highlighting the most painful seconds
No matter what I do there’s no escaping
any happiness that makes it inside is fleeting
and anyone that ties to join me
can never bear to stay
once they see what I really am
they inevitably run away
All that I exist for is self-torture
I think it’s time to hide away
to lick my wounds and heal
If it’s beyond these four walls
it can only hurt me
All I need is here, inside
To step outside and try to live
ends in pain and misery
Much better to just sit here
putting walls and screens between myself
and everyone and everything
because nothing good ever comes
of when I stick my head out
and take it upon myself
to act like I belong
My world is here
alone
Reaching out yet again to the void
pouring my heart out to nothing and no one
I keep trying to share my world
but no one ever sticks around
long enough to join me
At best they drift in and out
at worst they run once I’ve shown too much
but no one ever stays for long
That hole that stands beside me
is all I have to rely on
Its place is never filled for long
no matter how I try
There’s only ever one set of footsteps
left in the shifting sands of time
that I find myself drifting through
I’m still not sure if I’m too much
or just not enough
but either way I’m not the right amount
for anyone else to handle
So I struggle to share
with nothing and no one
and a lack of anything to show
for all the effort given
for those unworthy of the time
and energy I spared
or else they’d still be here
to see and hear what I try to show
Again the audience is empty
playing to a crowded room
of silence and space
Every time I think of her
I hate how sad and small I am
dreaming of someone that walked away
when I needed them most
Missing her hurts that mucb more
when I remember what she did
and have to stop and ask myself
why I’d ever want someone
so eager to disappear
back in a position where
she’d probably walk away again?
I was at my worst, of course,
but she couldn’t handle that so well
so what makes any part of me
think she’s worth the time and effort
to be a part of my life
in any way, shape, or form?
But emotions aren’t always logical
and they’re not always right
They’re just there to be dealt with
and right now I have to deal with
a hole in my life
and a void in my heart
and memories that hurt
“This isn’t how I wanted it to end”
has to be one of the dumbest phrases
in all of human history
We generally don’t start things
thinking they’re going to end
and usually if we do
the journey getting there is the point
not where it all ends up
Books and movies, songs and tales,
those are meant to wrap up somewhete
but no one lives their life expecting
to know when it’s all over
or how it comes
or how each point and period
will twist and turn its way toward
the inevitable conclusion
Of course this isn’t how you’d thought it’d go
but it’s where your road
and your choices
have brought you on your merry way
so deal with that and learn for next time
That’s all you can do, really
Don’t bemoan how it’s over
it’s just a waste of time…
Oh look, another berry picked
from a garden meant for memory
You were there to start it
but you haven’t been back since
The dirt you dug into,
the starts you planted grown,
all left untouched by you after
All that meaning tossed aside
for reasons still unclear to me
Left to overgrowth and death
if it were up to you
but we’ve kept it alive
to honor she that isn’t here
Others stepped in to do the work
you were supposed to help with
and the fruits of labors past
will be enjoyed without you
Was any of that real
or was I just lost in my own head?
I thought we were close enough
that I could be myself
but the more I opened up
the more you inched away
I was too caught up to notice
the space you put between us
until I tried to reach across the gap
and you pulled me in and walked away
Climbing out was a challenge
but here I am standing tall again
just trying to sort out everything
so that I might learn the lessons
this ordeal was meant to teach
But all I’m gettong here
is not to trust a friend
and that can’t be the right takeaway
from this whole ordeal
…cam it?
Now I understand
how petty and how small
Line up to take your shots
You’ve already done your worst
There’s nothing left to say
that could hurt me more
than the timing of you walking away
Hell, you can’t even match
the voice of the depression
taunting me in my own head
So thinly veiled cheap shots
are grazing blows at best
Kinda funny, actually
I thought I was the only one
still thinking about it all
Forgot who I was dealing with
the only one I know
who outdid me with overthinking
Well you overthought this one too much
as we both have every time
You’re a bit too late
foe it to land the way you meant
so maybe you should do
what you actually tried to
and just walk away for good
and don’t look back this time
because of course I’ll see it coming
I’m still watching you walk away
It would’ve been better to let me fall
than to step in and pick me up,
carry me around like a little toy,
then throw me away from a higher place
I almost didn’t survive the impact
But I couldn’t give you the satisfaction
of being right to toss me aside
Besides, I’m an expert at self-reassembly
So I’m gathering up the pieces
you so callously left behind
and I’ll carry on regardless
in spite of and to spite you
And I hope someday you glance back
at what you shed yourself of
with at least a little flicker of regret
But I won’t hold my breath
and I’ll try not to think about it
I have too much on my hands
trying to get by