I thought out of sight

was supposed to lead to out of mind

If so, why can’t I free up

the space that I once gave you

rent-free in my head?

Just hand over the metaphorical key

and leave me to forget you

Stop popping up from time to time

like a ghost trying to haunt me

I don’t need these thoughts

to torment me at random moments

when there’s no upside

You’ve probably long since forgotten

so why can’t I?

You stepped in when you didn’t have to

and I’ll never know just why

but I wish you hadn’t

Because when it all became too much

and you slammed that door

you honestly hurt me just as much

as what you’d tried to help me through

You tore a wounded heart out

and left it bleeding on the floor

My world had just been glued together

Guess what? It shattered again

into pieces smaller and more numerous

Granted, that was my mistake

letting my dreams run free

ahead of reality

Thinking if I could just hang on

I’d have exactly what I wanted

A place where I belonged

A family to surround myself with

Others to share this life with

to love, support, and cherish

In the end it was too much

for me to ask of anyone

I lost the last one who cared

and thought I’d found someone else

that might care just enough

that I could get past missing her

Instead I turned out wrong

and instead of missing her

I get to alternate

between love and hate

Missing you and cursing you

in pretty equal measure

So next time you think your move

is to step in to something, anything,

be sure you can handle it

Don’t break the next one, okay?

It’s too late for me

I was already broken

All you did was make sure

the edges don’t line up

I wish that I was getting lost in you, with you

Instead I’m sitting here, alone,

getting lost in music and memories insread

A mile or two of real-world distance

and a giant gulf of feelings and desires

stretch out between us, dividing,

separating, isolating,

too far for me to ever dream of crossing

I lost that chance long ago

and I’m not convinced it would’ve been right

to take it even if I could

but I can sure torture myself with the thought

If only is a sobering thought

One that never leads anywhere

and never closes gaps

but we all think it anyway

Some more than others

I think about it

I think about you

far more than I ever should

I only have to remind myself

a thousand times a day

that it wasn’t a breakup

it shouldn’t still bother me like this

and the way things ended

I should be happy it fell apart when it did

But it fell apart

and it was so close to beconing

everything I ever wanted

which is something I’m not sure

that I’m allowed to have

So I sit here, lost again,

alone and wondering

if you think of me at all

I doubt it

You’re the one living life

while I’m stuck here dreaming

and wishing I could just stay lost

in something, anything else

forever

What a naive fantasy

There’s no amount of explanation

that can magically change things

and make it all okay

They don’t want to see

a damn thing from my point of view

If they did, they’d still be here

not some million miles away

living life without me

and leaving me to fight to understand

Because I’m the only one

so obsessed with understanding

knowing what happened

and trying to learn

from each move, each miss, each mistake

Maybe I’m just too much

for anyone to care about

to the same extent

that I come to care for them

Maybe I’m just not meant

to get what’s in

the head of someone else

And maybe it’s my curse,

my cross to bear forever

the struggle with understanding

and being understood

Why does everyone else

get to turn and walk away

from this mess I’ve made

but me?

I can’t pick this up

all on my own

I’m not the only one

responsible for all this

but somehow it’s my burden

I’m so tired of bearing it

that I think I’ll sit right here

and wallow in it instead

Let these four walls

close in tight

and maybe this all

will be the death of me

Feels like I’m in a fun house hallway

in every direction a mirror

reflecting my failures and shortcomings

and down at the end of the hall

there’s a projector showing my every mistake

on twenty-four seven repeat

with slow motion rewind and commentary

highlighting the most painful seconds

No matter what I do there’s no escaping

any happiness that makes it inside is fleeting

and anyone that ties to join me

can never bear to stay

once they see what I really am

they inevitably run away

All that I exist for is self-torture

I think it’s time to hide away

to lick my wounds and heal

If it’s beyond these four walls

it can only hurt me

All I need is here, inside

To step outside and try to live

ends in pain and misery

Much better to just sit here

putting walls and screens between myself

and everyone and everything

because nothing good ever comes

of when I stick my head out

and take it upon myself

to act like I belong

My world is here

alone

Reaching out yet again to the void

pouring my heart out to nothing and no one

I keep trying to share my world

but no one ever sticks around

long enough to join me

At best they drift in and out

at worst they run once I’ve shown too much

but no one ever stays for long

That hole that stands beside me

is all I have to rely on

Its place is never filled for long

no matter how I try

There’s only ever one set of footsteps

left in the shifting sands of time

that I find myself drifting through

I’m still not sure if I’m too much

or just not enough

but either way I’m not the right amount

for anyone else to handle

So I struggle to share

with nothing and no one

and a lack of anything to show

for all the effort given

for those unworthy of the time

and energy I spared

or else they’d still be here

to see and hear what I try to show

Again the audience is empty

playing to a crowded room

of silence and space

Every time I think of her

I hate how sad and small I am

dreaming of someone that walked away

when I needed them most

Missing her hurts that mucb more

when I remember what she did

and have to stop and ask myself

why I’d ever want someone

so eager to disappear

back in a position where

she’d probably walk away again?

I was at my worst, of course,

but she couldn’t handle that so well

so what makes any part of me

think she’s worth the time and effort

to be a part of my life

in any way, shape, or form?

But emotions aren’t always logical

and they’re not always right

They’re just there to be dealt with

and right now I have to deal with

a hole in my life

and a void in my heart

and memories that hurt

“This isn’t how I wanted it to end”

has to be one of the dumbest phrases

in all of human history

We generally don’t start things

thinking they’re going to end

and usually if we do

the journey getting there is the point

not where it all ends up

Books and movies, songs and tales,

those are meant to wrap up somewhete

but no one lives their life expecting

to know when it’s all over

or how it comes

or how each point and period

will twist and turn its way toward

the inevitable conclusion

Of course this isn’t how you’d thought it’d go

but it’s where your road

and your choices

have brought you on your merry way

so deal with that and learn for next time

That’s all you can do, really

Don’t bemoan how it’s over

it’s just a waste of time…