So many fires and so much time

spent drawn into the flames

and I think I finally burned my heart out

So tired of these situations

I always seem to trap myself

in places and people

where I end up hurting myself

in my inability

to grasp what’s actually going on

I only want to watxh it burn

and maybe warm myself

but instead I fall face-first

and end up scarred and ashen

Throwing myself at those

unwilling or unable

to return what I try to give

so I end up giving more

until nothing’s left

watching at they drop those pieces

of myself I’ve handed then

right into these flames

Having to dig through

and burn myself some more

as they walk away and leave me there

to melt and blow away

You’d think I’d know better

but here I am emerging

once again from embers

a smoldering pile of soot and reminders

of what happens when I feel

Anyone else ever have that dream

where you’re behind the wheel

driving on a mountain road

and there’s a corner up ahead

You have plenty of reaction time

and yet you find yourself

not following the curve

Instead you fly right off

(of course in slow motion)

and there’s that brief moment

before you wake up

that you think it’s gonna hurt

or maybe you won’t feel a thing

Maybe it’ll be nice and quick

a tragedy easily avoided

but inevitable now

You ever have that dream?

I think I have that life

a sequence of inevitable

avoidable disasters

corners I could steer into

with ease and keep on going

but somehow I keep trying to fly

This is all I’ve ever wanted

to love and be loved in return

to find purpose in being

the best that I can be

for both of us

Such a little thing

that I’ve spent so much time

looking for so desperately

Trying to find value for myself

in the reflection of others

and it’s never there for long

We are all mirrors, true,

but we reflect ourselves

and I have yet to see myself

in someone else for long enough

but I keep searching

despite all pointlessness

And each time I break the glass

and cut myself a little deeper

but the bleeding stops eventually

and when it does

I clean myself up

and gather my thoughts

and ride off again like Don Quixote

tilting at another windmill

waiting to get hurt again

because no one ever loves

the way I do

How fucking dare you tell me how to grieve?

Take your false sympathy and disappear

Such a cold and callous person you turned out to be

Wrap your disgusting behavior in the shield of self-preservation

Your feelings are valid, after all

…but so are mine, right or wrong

and who are you to tell me what I can feel

or for how long?

If you can’t handle it, you could’ve walked away

at any point in time

or hell, you could’ve left me alone in the first place

…so why didn’t you?

Was my back just looking empty

waiting for you to get close enough to stab me in it?

I’ll never understand how you could turn so quickly

so completely

I guess it’s my fault for letting my guard down

too bad you weren’t worth trusting after all…

The only mistake I made was needing you

For that you felt you had to walk away

and try to let me drown in my emotions

I hope there never comes a day

when you need me in some way again

because I will never bleed myself

for someone that set out to crush me

I do enough harm to myself

that I don’t need the help

Why would you ever look back?

I’d bet I never meant anything

Just a speck in your rear view

as you speed off into the distance

To you I was next to nothing

yet to me you were everything

and now I’m left wondering

just what it was I thought I wanted

and where to go next

as I feel these four walls

start to tighten up around me

Guess you should be glad you got away…

Me? I’m stuck where I’ve always been

Left behind with nothing

While you vanish into the horizon

I’m left blind to pick up pieces

I’d thought I’d picked up with your help…

I think the worst part

is knowing there’s no possible way

that you miss me

as much as I miss you

This is what you wanted

what you asked for

and I’m the one that suffers through

That’s just the story of my life

No one ever gives a damn

about what I want

except me, and I don’t count

at least not to anyone else

I’m always the one that sacrifices

always the one that conpromizes

I’ve met in the middle so much

I just never leave it

I never have the power

have never held the upper hand

There always seems to be a rug

to pull out from underneath me

I always end up flat on my face

as everyone points and laughs around me

The moment I ask for anything

it’s too much for someone else

and they walk away

I’m stuck empty-handed

broken-hearted

and alone

You weren’t the only one I leaned on

but you were the one I leaned on hardest

and you were the only one

that responded to my leaning

by pulling away last minute

and letting me tumble to the ground

The silence hurt

but nothing hurt worse

than the surgical removal

of every connection

save one sliver

that I wish I had the heart

to cut away myself

Because if I can’t rely on you

I won’t call you a friend

And if I can’t trust you

as far as I can throw you

why would I waste my time?

I wish the human brain was a canvas

so that I could just erase your very presence

and never have to deal with the unbidden thoughts

You proved how little you really cared

so for me to be stuck thinking of you

at such inopportune times

feels like the ultimate insult

My subconscious craves self-mutilation

(at least as far as I can tell)

and you’ve handed it a smorgasbord

served up on metaphorical silver platters

enough to haunt me for months

How did I let things get this far?

And how am I supposed to shake you?

when some part of me still cares

even though there’s no reason to

and you’d never understand

just as I can’t seem to understand you…

I’ve got nothing left in me to say

The words would only fall on deaf ears

and why speak when no one’s bothering to listen?

You keep on running full speed ahead

damn the consequences

of what you run into and what you leave behind

It would be funny to stand here

and watch you go right off that cliff

but why waste my time?

You want freedom, so take it

Squeeze it for all it’s worth

and when the next storm comes and wipes you out

I hope you have enough support to rise again

but it won’t me my helping hands

or supportive words

lifting you up ever again