I close my eyes

and that back gate opens

The laughter of a little girl

fills the open space

As the sun shines down

past the redwood next door

and all is as it was meant to be

Until I open my eyes again

and remember I was only dreaming

and things aren’t what they used to be

The promises of yesterday

vanished with her memory

and there’s nothing I can do

to bring any of it back

This space will never be the same

the meaning lost to history

only to be captured

in pictures of times before

I’m probably the only one

still struggling to cling to

some sense of what’s supposed to be

that keeps slipping through my fingers

I close my eyes again

and shake it all away

I’m sitting at the patio we built for you

staring at the garden planted in your memory

trying not to think of how I’ve failed you

while what you loved the most sits silent at my feet

staring as if waiting for me to live

All your chosen children are scattered to the winds

I did my best to try and stay in touch

but my best was never good enough

We both knew that though you never would’ve said so

I’m not sure why I keep trying

to live up to the standards

I think you would’ve expected of me

I just can’t reach those lofty goals

All I can do is wake each day I’m given

and try to do the best I can to carry on

Maybe someday I’ll be someone you could’ve been proud of

but right now that feels a million miles away

You always had the upper hand

The entire time you held the cards

I was just following along

trying to keep up with someone

incapable of slowing down

and wondering what I thought I was doing

trying to find a place

in a world that I was sure

had no room left for me

Come to find out I was right

and I should’ve turned and walked away

long before getting left behind

I can’t make her understand

so why do I want to try?

It’ll only end in pain

I’m already where I’ll end up

She never cared as much as I do

and that’s not something I can change

Why does some part of me

cling to a stupid thought

that if I could only show her

everything would be okay?

Nothing ever works that way

I just can’t fix everything

The mistakes that both sides made

can’t just be magically undone

We have to suffer consequences

it’s just the way it always goes

that it seems like I’m the one

that has to suffer most of all

It’s a good day to listen to a country song

and think about the past

That moment comes when you remember

all the well-traveled roads

how they all looked the same

and ended in the same destination

right back where you started

all alone and struggling

All that time spent chasing

the same class of people

they all start to blend together

in your fading memories

Eventually the faces blur

and the feelings blunt themselves

like your favorite kitchen knife

in the back of the junk drawer

So listen to the music

and float away in fantasy

Maybe someday something different comes

but not tonight, so just take what’s here

and let it float away

I’m starting to twenty-second guess myself

and overthink about how to make things right

but there is no making things right

when I did so little wrong

and am still the only one to apologize

Of course I’m sorry for my mistakes

but I’m the only one admitting to my issues

so why should I go crawling back

when we’ll end up in the same old traps

I can’t walk through landmines anymore

and even once the anger passes

I don’t think you’re willing

to see my side or ever meet me halfway

so what would be the point of reconciliation?

I’m not worth the work to you

and I’ll have to come to terms with that

It’s just the way this all works, after all

It’s real and in my hands
The culmination of a grand idea
The plant that grew
from the soil of frustration,
desperation, and pain
So small and yet so heavy
and I would gladly trade it
and all that’s contained within
to have never felt the emotions
contained within its pages
There in black and white
the struggle to maintain
something so important
and the crushing realization
when it all cam crashing down
A storm of mixed emotions
as I glance down at the cover
and think of what it took
to piece it all together
I can’t turn the pages
I don’t have the strength
to risk repeating all that angst
spilled upon that paper
I hope others can get something
out of my catharsis
and maybe I can grow from this
now that it is real

I don’t miss you

but I do miss mattering to you

I miss effort being put jn

and time being spent

I miss sharing souls

and living life

together

I miss belonging

somewhere with someone

not needing a purpose

just being free to keep going

I could’ve had that with anyone

but I found it in you

and you took it away

So no, it’s not you I miss

It’s everything you were

and all you could’ve been

and all I was because of gou

That’s what you gave me

and that’s what you cost me

and that’s what I mourn

I guess what makes me broken

is that I would gladly trade

all the highs I’ve ever had

to have never had the lows

They always say you can’t have one

without the experience of the other

and my only question

is what’s wrong with that?

To never feel is to be at peace

Don’t leave the the door open

as you walk out on me

or one day you might try to return

only to have it slammed in your face

I don’t deserve what you’ve put me through

and I’m not above giving back what I get

I hope you’re happy where you’re at

and never think to look back

What you might’ve had is gone

you throw it away long ago

and hopefully I won’t be

the only one to suffer for it

when I’m the one that did the least

to deserve the pain

I paid the only penance

I ever truly owed

so now it should be your turn

so here’s to regret down the road

and wondering what might have been

because we’ll never get that chance

and that shouldnh bother only me

for I’m not the only one that lost

but I didn’t lose by choice