It’s hard to hate yourself

when your mind is busy

hating someone else

so I thank you

for saving me that pain

Just wish you could’ve helped

in a way that lasted

or actually meant something

and didn’t leave me just as broken

as when you stepped in to fix me

No thanks to you

I’m still standing here

Spite is a powerful tool

and disgust a mighty glue

helping hold me together

long enough to make you regret

throwing away what you claimed to value

I used to think it was important

to tell someone when you miss them

Make sure the people in your life

know exactly how you feel, right?

But the lesson I get from you

is to lock that shit down tight

because you never know when love

might be interpreted as pressure

when requests become demands

or when presences turns to obligation

Hold on loosely? Try not at all

because any little grip

can apparently leave a mark

and send someone running

when you need them most…

There are so many words I can find

to describe how I feel right now

Hurt, deceived, abandoned,

but mostly just numb

The feelings all jumble

into such a mess

that I can’t sort out any of it

I can’t believe the same person

so dedicated to stepping in

and saving me in my darkest moment

would cut me off so near-completely

but then leave these dangling threads

and ways to reconnect

somewhere down the road

as if I’d ever let you in

after what you’ve pulled

No thanks, that’s okay

If I wanted a knife in the back

I’d put one on the floor just right

and fall backwards myself

I do a good enough job

of torturing myself daily

that I don’t need any so-called friends

to stop and lend a hand

Please just go away

if you’re going to make a mockery

of everything that was promised

on that second-darkest day

Don’t maintain this disrespect

of both her and I

Just let it go and walk away

like you seem so quick to do

until those footsteps hesitate

and you give a sideways glance

I see it all because of course

I’m still watching like a fool

some small part wishing you’d turn back

but the rest just wants to see you go

to know you’re truly out that door

so I can start to repair the damage

done by your sudden exit

Remember, I’m not perfect

When I get over this

I will hold grudges

towards the people

that could’ve helped me through

but chose to leave me

to suffer through my head

alone

Nothing feels quite right anymore

Like the saturation level on the television set is off

Like there’s something happening out there somewhere

and I’m supposed to be there

but I can’t be

because you took the tickets when you left

and now I’m just sitting here,

breathing,

blinking,

hoping that one of the times my eyes open again

things will look the way they’re supposed to

but I know they won’t

not without you here

to point out what I’m missing

to show me what colors are supposed to be

to laugh as I can’t stop blinking

to tell me all I need to do is shake it off

Well I’m shaking now,

where are you to tell me when I’m done?

You were the one in charge, after all

so when am I supposed to stop?

When will you bring the color back?

Will I still be standing here

Just blinking, just breathing,

just trying to find normal in your absence?

I should’ve been smart enough

to step away myself

Now I’ve got algorithms

shoving things down my throat

that only mattered then

like accessories for hobbies

I’ll never have myself

that were meant to be future gifts

or family-oriented events

no man would attend alone

or pictures of better times and memories

that only expand on the hole left behind

a million reminders

of the lengths I was willing to go

just to spend time

with the two most important people

left in my life

and now that they aren’t

I don’t know what to do

I’m lost again

but seeking a new way out

Just going through the motions yet again

Sunrise, sunset, not much of note between ’em

What’s really the point of it all?

Why so much emphasis on living?

If life really is just suffering

why force ourselves to stay longer than we have to?

I guess I’m supposed to think there’s a point to it all

but I’m starting to wonder if there really is

or if we’re lyong to ourselves to make the misery make sense

My personal reasons for pushing through

are all gone now and no help to anyone

Stripped away by God or fate

or my own personal failure

I don’t know that I’m strong enough to do this alone

but I’m too afraid to miss out on something that might prove me wrong

So I’ll just keep stumbling along

looking for the light in this darkness

the light I’ll probably never find

because it just isn’t there anymore…

Sitting here making excuses

for you in my head

and trying to decide

just how much time and space to give you

when the only correct answer

is forever because fuck you

you pulled away to save yourself

when I needed you there most

so obviously when times are hard

I could never count on you

all I ever do is sacrifice myself for others

and you proved you’d do the opposite

so what makes me think you’re still worth

giving up pieces of myself for?

I can’t live the way you do

so hot and cold

so ready to cast aside

something or someone t

he moment it stops working

I try to fix what’s broken

long past the point where I should bother

and I’m pretty sure these opposites don’t attract

they kill each other slowly

so why is it so hard to just let go?

There’s nothing quite as hard

as feeling all alone

while surrounded by people

Dozens of families

all having fun

enjoying the memories they’re making

and all I can think of

are the absent ones

by fate and by choice

All this humanity

and yet something’s missing

Leave it to me to feel it

My stomach is in knots

and everything is so surreal

I wasn’t fucking kidding when

I said I wish you wouldn’t skip this

I needed someone here

that could help me understand

because nothing’s right

about this at all

I’m supposed to be pushing her

not mourning her

and holy hell everything is wrong

This was something that I did for her

and I guess I still do for her

but you were supposed to

be here with me

and help me see this through

and you’ve left me here to lose it

with my only company

someone that would never understand

and I told you that I don’t think

I could ever forgive you

for abandoning me

at the second-worst possible time