Remember, I’m not perfect

When I get over this

I will hold grudges

towards the people

that could’ve helped me through

but chose to leave me

to suffer through my head

alone

Nothing feels quite right anymore

Like the saturation level on the television set is off

Like there’s something happening out there somewhere

and I’m supposed to be there

but I can’t be

because you took the tickets when you left

and now I’m just sitting here,

breathing,

blinking,

hoping that one of the times my eyes open again

things will look the way they’re supposed to

but I know they won’t

not without you here

to point out what I’m missing

to show me what colors are supposed to be

to laugh as I can’t stop blinking

to tell me all I need to do is shake it off

Well I’m shaking now,

where are you to tell me when I’m done?

You were the one in charge, after all

so when am I supposed to stop?

When will you bring the color back?

Will I still be standing here

Just blinking, just breathing,

just trying to find normal in your absence?

I should’ve been smart enough

to step away myself

Now I’ve got algorithms

shoving things down my throat

that only mattered then

like accessories for hobbies

I’ll never have myself

that were meant to be future gifts

or family-oriented events

no man would attend alone

or pictures of better times and memories

that only expand on the hole left behind

a million reminders

of the lengths I was willing to go

just to spend time

with the two most important people

left in my life

and now that they aren’t

I don’t know what to do

I’m lost again

but seeking a new way out

Just going through the motions yet again

Sunrise, sunset, not much of note between ’em

What’s really the point of it all?

Why so much emphasis on living?

If life really is just suffering

why force ourselves to stay longer than we have to?

I guess I’m supposed to think there’s a point to it all

but I’m starting to wonder if there really is

or if we’re lyong to ourselves to make the misery make sense

My personal reasons for pushing through

are all gone now and no help to anyone

Stripped away by God or fate

or my own personal failure

I don’t know that I’m strong enough to do this alone

but I’m too afraid to miss out on something that might prove me wrong

So I’ll just keep stumbling along

looking for the light in this darkness

the light I’ll probably never find

because it just isn’t there anymore…

Sitting here making excuses

for you in my head

and trying to decide

just how much time and space to give you

when the only correct answer

is forever because fuck you

you pulled away to save yourself

when I needed you there most

so obviously when times are hard

I could never count on you

all I ever do is sacrifice myself for others

and you proved you’d do the opposite

so what makes me think you’re still worth

giving up pieces of myself for?

I can’t live the way you do

so hot and cold

so ready to cast aside

something or someone t

he moment it stops working

I try to fix what’s broken

long past the point where I should bother

and I’m pretty sure these opposites don’t attract

they kill each other slowly

so why is it so hard to just let go?

There’s nothing quite as hard

as feeling all alone

while surrounded by people

Dozens of families

all having fun

enjoying the memories they’re making

and all I can think of

are the absent ones

by fate and by choice

All this humanity

and yet something’s missing

Leave it to me to feel it

My stomach is in knots

and everything is so surreal

I wasn’t fucking kidding when

I said I wish you wouldn’t skip this

I needed someone here

that could help me understand

because nothing’s right

about this at all

I’m supposed to be pushing her

not mourning her

and holy hell everything is wrong

This was something that I did for her

and I guess I still do for her

but you were supposed to

be here with me

and help me see this through

and you’ve left me here to lose it

with my only company

someone that would never understand

and I told you that I don’t think

I could ever forgive you

for abandoning me

at the second-worst possible time

Looks like I failed you again

though that’s never how you would’ve put it

That pressure always came from me

trying to live up to what you would’ve wanted

and always falling just a little short

I was harder on myself than you were

So here I am about to depart for

something you treasured in some way

You tried to build your own next generation

when it seemed like I’d never spread those wings

and now I couldn’t even keep it going in your absence

As we try to carry on your traditions

not everyone is here you would’ve wanted

and though you never would’ve forced it on ne

I know it was my job to hold it all together

but that proved to be beyond me yet again

Once again your shoes are something I could never fill

and I don’t have it in me to keep trying

That goodbye echoed like a gunshot

marking the end of all I’d worked so hard for

I swear I could see shards of broken promises

drifting through the air like butterflies

as the words ripped through straight for the heart

and stopped me as cold as the sudden silence

from the other side of the telephone

It was all supposed to be so different

I thought I had a chance at all I ever wanted

but dreams always seem to slip through fingers

by virtue of them never being real

At least this time I hadn’t finished cleaning up the pieces

so I’ll just start again again again

Time heals all wounds, they say

but life is short and fragile

and long enough for anything isn’t promised

You take so much for granted

The sun will rise and set, for sure,

but nothing else is guaranteed

and you expect me to be silent

on what I think and feel?

There may never be another chance

to say or do that something special

Life is far shorter than we realize

amd while the world keeps spinning

a time will come when we don’t

so why make it more difficult

to live a life worth living

than it already has to be?

Love openly

live freely

and don’t give up connection

for a little bit of freedom

when connection is all that matters

in the end