Maybe this is a petty thought

but I almost hope we get to the point

where my constant presence

in some part of your world

just absolutely gets under your skin

I want it to irritate the hell out of you

when we’re at the same event

or your family is with me

or I sent you a message this morning

with a link to something you wanted to do

and now you feel like you can’t

because it was suggested by me

I do these things not to mess with you

I do them because I want to

Because I want to care about you

we like doing the same things

and I adore your family

but the bonus of driving you nuts

as you try to pull away

only for me to stay close

is like icing on the cake

And since I’m diabetic

that’s the only icing I can have

So forgive me if I feast on it

for at least a little while

Oh, what stupid games we play

Can’t bring ourselves to be honest

so we lie and sneak and hide the truth

of what we think and feel

for whatever fanciful reason

we come up with this time

Truth is, I might just be in love

but I’m not willing to dance around

and I won’t be a doormat

or an anxious pile of goo

for anyone ever again

I danced this dance for you

but now you play a different game

that two can play at successfully

and if time comes to walk away

I don’t think I’ll have a problem

A refreshing place to be

as the one that’s usually toyed with

to be here smirking at the thought

of getting under your skin

I live for these moments of clarity

when the clouds part and worries fade

and things show themselves for what they are

not what I saw in weakness

The shadows all vanish in the light

and with clean head and clear vision

I can finally chart a course

around all these obstacles

I so blindly kept crashing into

in my darker moments

In a way I have to thank you

for being so fantastic

at forcing me to meditate

in response to triggers

You’ve been a godsend

at testing my anxiety

helping me learn

to not let it take control

Take these backhand compliments

however you desire

There’s only so much

that’s in my power

and maybe you too

can unlearn behavior

like these defenses

you keep putting up

between us

over nothing

It’d be so much easier if I didn’t care

I’m barely hanging on

and not sure what I’m fighting for

but I’ll be damned if I back down again

I’ve walked away from far too much,

carry scars from battles I could’ve won

had I only seen them through

I don’t know what the issue is

and it’ll take all I have

to do what it takes to figure it out

I just have to remember

what I’m struggling to keep

because I think it’s worth it

for once in my pathetic life

to get up and keep swinging

rather than letting go

All I’ve ever wanted

was for someone to be there

when I needed them

Just that source to draw upon

a solid rock of reassurance

a resource to rely on

when the trouble comes

All I’ve strove to be

is that same thing for others

I want to give and recieve

for that is what love means

to give and to receive

But no one else ever gives

they all just take

or walk away

No one knows how to love

anymore

When I fall

I fall completely

and give everything

I have and hold

I think constantly

and hope deeply

and will do anything

for their betterment

The problem comes

when no one lives up

to deserving such love

No one else

ever gives back

ever cares as much

ever thinks about me

But I still give

I still sacrifice

I still bleed myself

Endlessly

Needlessly

Pointlessly

Drip, drip, drip

until I bleed no more

An empty husk

all has been given

Nothing’s left

When will I learn?

I think I’m done with this

So tired of hurting myself

By the time I end up

in any real relationship

I’m going to be so broken

that it will be impossible

I’ll slice her open

on all the jagged edges

everyone before her left behind

I have to work

even harder now

to hide these scars

so that I may someday

find the one whose happiness

I’m meant to share in

because it’s clearly not you

Not with lies

not with hiding

not with obfuscation

So I walk away

to salvage what remains

If she never heard from me again

her life would carry on just fine

I’m the one that’s broken here

Wishing I could ask for more

but knowing if I have to ask

then I’m not actually getting what I want

when what I want is to mean and matter

as much to her as she does to me

I’ll always be the one

thst just so easy to leave behind

Clueless and hopeless

the extra weight no one wants to have attached

I’d only drag her down

and when she’s meant to fly

I won’t be what keeps her on the ground

Do you need to see the tears

before you understand just how I feel?

Will a complete breakdown suffice?

Because I’m gonna lose it after all this time

when I finally get to see her again

You don’t have to say that it’s not normal

how much I love and care about her

I’m pretty sure I know that

and I’m also pretty sure it doesn’t matter

It doesn’t change just how attached I feel

That girl is going places

I’d give up everything I have

to help get her there

and I find it so hard to believe

that you can’t see that

This is about far more than you and I

always has been, always will be

I want to see her grow and thrive

and someday have everything

and if it has to be from a distance, so be it

but that hurts far more than any rejection

you could ever dream of giving

I miss you, sure, but I miss her far more

than I think you can even comprehend

…and that’s the saddest part of all this mess