The saddest thing I’ve learned

is that you don’t know how to love

Because with the world the way it is

love is all we have

So strong, so self-reliant

so ready to break when the wind blows

because you never know when to lean

What a shame it is for you

that you may never understand

just what you’re missing

when you close yourself off

and keep running full speed ahead

right off the cliff

I don’t have time to deal with this

I have a life to live

and with all that’s going on

there’s precious little left

to spend on someone else

Someone that doesn’t want to be here

but keeps stringing me along

claiming that they value me

(yeah, as much as a used paper bag)

I don’t need external validation

for all the negative thoughts

already in my head

I fight to shut them up

and you hand them a microphone

I don’t need the disrespect

I barely respect myself

I need people that give a damn

to help drown out the other voices

So if you can’t give me a hand

then kindly find somewhere else to be

It certainly isn’t the first time

I’ve tried to lean on someone

all too eager to lean on me

and ended up on the ground

That picture has stared back at me

for a long time now

and gotten me through a lot

That smile, that innocent smile

so full of life and joy

But now it burns my eyes

straight through to my heart

That face I’ll likely never see again

a million pictures all over

beginning to haunt me

like tiny little needles piercing

everything I am

I won’t know that joy again

The idea of a grand romance

is nothing more than fairy tale

but that doesn’t make love some kind of lie

No, actually, it gives it more importance

Because love is as much choice as conseqience

Love is one part infatuation

a little splash of light obsession

and a whole lot of commitment

finding yourself in someone else

building your own happiness

out of watching them find theirs

A willingness to sacrifice

your comfort for their necessity

and sometimes getting little in return

besides the satisfaction

that someday they might return the favor

when they realize just what you’ve done for them

Of course, you can’t expect it back

Love should be given freely

but in a world where the strong survive

sometimes love is all we have

and we hoard it like a pile of gold

Other times we’ve been burned by failure

learned to hold back lest we give

too much to someone incapable

of giving in return

But still we must give love

for it is meant to power the world

and in its absence we’ve filled the void

with things that don’t belong there

Maybe this is a petty thought

but I almost hope we get to the point

where my constant presence

in some part of your world

just absolutely gets under your skin

I want it to irritate the hell out of you

when we’re at the same event

or your family is with me

or I sent you a message this morning

with a link to something you wanted to do

and now you feel like you can’t

because it was suggested by me

I do these things not to mess with you

I do them because I want to

Because I want to care about you

we like doing the same things

and I adore your family

but the bonus of driving you nuts

as you try to pull away

only for me to stay close

is like icing on the cake

And since I’m diabetic

that’s the only icing I can have

So forgive me if I feast on it

for at least a little while

Oh, what stupid games we play

Can’t bring ourselves to be honest

so we lie and sneak and hide the truth

of what we think and feel

for whatever fanciful reason

we come up with this time

Truth is, I might just be in love

but I’m not willing to dance around

and I won’t be a doormat

or an anxious pile of goo

for anyone ever again

I danced this dance for you

but now you play a different game

that two can play at successfully

and if time comes to walk away

I don’t think I’ll have a problem

A refreshing place to be

as the one that’s usually toyed with

to be here smirking at the thought

of getting under your skin

I live for these moments of clarity

when the clouds part and worries fade

and things show themselves for what they are

not what I saw in weakness

The shadows all vanish in the light

and with clean head and clear vision

I can finally chart a course

around all these obstacles

I so blindly kept crashing into

in my darker moments

In a way I have to thank you

for being so fantastic

at forcing me to meditate

in response to triggers

You’ve been a godsend

at testing my anxiety

helping me learn

to not let it take control

Take these backhand compliments

however you desire

There’s only so much

that’s in my power

and maybe you too

can unlearn behavior

like these defenses

you keep putting up

between us

over nothing

It’d be so much easier if I didn’t care

I’m barely hanging on

and not sure what I’m fighting for

but I’ll be damned if I back down again

I’ve walked away from far too much,

carry scars from battles I could’ve won

had I only seen them through

I don’t know what the issue is

and it’ll take all I have

to do what it takes to figure it out

I just have to remember

what I’m struggling to keep

because I think it’s worth it

for once in my pathetic life

to get up and keep swinging

rather than letting go

All I’ve ever wanted

was for someone to be there

when I needed them

Just that source to draw upon

a solid rock of reassurance

a resource to rely on

when the trouble comes

All I’ve strove to be

is that same thing for others

I want to give and recieve

for that is what love means

to give and to receive

But no one else ever gives

they all just take

or walk away

No one knows how to love

anymore