It’s hard to speak up
When the voices in my head
Are shouting me down
And I don’t even know if it’s worth it
To break the silence
The words just won’t come
And what I dreamed of you saying
Will never leave your lips
But I have to do something
To get the words flowing
For these quiet moments
Are lasting too long
And the stillness is deafening

I”m on the outside looking in again
a rather familiar place to be
I’ll just pull up my usual chair
underneath the window
and relax for awhile
Not like I haven’t been here before
just rather hoped to never come back
but wishing doesn’t make it so
so here I am again
trying to keep my distance
yet work my way back inside
at the same time
if you’d unlock the door
or if I could find the key
but I’m pretty sure I lost it
and I watched you change the locks
so I’m stuck

You’ll probably never know
just how hard it is for me
to act like you’re not there
when for so long
my first and last thought was of you
Even without the obsession
even with tempered desire
even knowing we’ll never be
what we once were
to just keep my mouth shut
and look away
takes every bit of willpower I have
I still hold some hope
that a little time
and a little distance
might heal all wounds
like they always say
and maybe we can be
something approaching cordial
but here and now
I just have to keep up the struggle
and focus on keeping you
out of focus

It’s long past time to let go
Get everything settled
And out of my head
The guilt and self-analysis
Only carries me so far
And try as I might
There’s no way to change
Whats already done
Not everything broken can be fixed
Not everything lost is ever found
And no amount of struggle
Will ever be enough
To bring back what’s truly gone
So it’s time to stop
Set aside the reflections
The torture in my mind
See what can be salvaged
And leave the rest behind
And if there is a next time
Apply the lessons learned

I miss her
But missing her only means
That there still needs to be distance
Lest I get caught up again
And I can’t trust myself anymore
Not to lose control
And make another reckless move
And the next one could be the end
Of everything
So I’ll keep my distance
No matter how it hurts
To see her so near yet so far
I lost too much already
To lose myself again

I’ve always looked at all the angles
Always overthought
But something about her
Made me stop thinking
And that proved to be my downfall
Because if I had stopped to think
I’d have never made the moves
If I’d seen the angles
I would’ve seen the error of my ways
And I might still have come out of this
With something
Probably not what I wanted
But certainly more than I have now
And anything would be better
Than silence and awkward avoidance
Of someone I once called a friend
The one time I don’t overthink
And I could’ve actually used some thinking